Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Is it penis luge time yet?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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