My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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