remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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