They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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