You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize