Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
