sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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