you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
