I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
