forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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