I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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