If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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