Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
