I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
