Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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