your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
