Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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