Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
