when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
