How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
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