i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
