How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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