I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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