I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
