I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
