I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
