Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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