I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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