hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
