Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
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