the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
