hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
