Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
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