How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
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You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
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You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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