Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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