So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize
