He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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