I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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