Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
