The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
My dad just said "fuck circus"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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