my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
