All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
