sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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