So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm at about main and main street
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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