So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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