Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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