You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
