i just sold back the books i vomitted on
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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