Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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