Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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