So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
