You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
