i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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