So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
