you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
