I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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