wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
