and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
